Friday, October 19, 2007

And the Lord Said, "Let There Be Sales"

It may be too early to start talking about the “War on Christmas,” the annual assault on Jesus made mainstream by the secular “progressives,” but it’s certainly not too early to begin talking about the “War on Christmas in July.”
Christmas in July is one of our nations most sacred institutions and was started, like all good things, in the bible. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story of Jesus arriving at the temple of Jul LiMikdash one day and finding that merchants had set up shop and charging the locals exorbitant prices for their wares. This infuriated our carpenter lord and he went into a rampage...on prices, that is! Jesus calmly told the merchants to reduce the cost of their wares, so that the people could purchase Christian-quality goods at Buddhist prices. The price-reduction was a great success and the people of Jerusalem were happy. The merchants were so pleased with his idea (and how could they not be!) that the following year, after the crucifixion, they reduced their prices yet again, calling it the Christ in Jul LiMikdash Sale. Jesus was very pleased (from heaven). When the pilgrims arrived in the new world, they brought their most revered traditions and holidays – including Christmas, bringing pestilence to Native Americans, and a little holiday they referred to as Christmas in July.
This holiday teaches us many lessons, including that we should always give freely to the less fortunate (for monetary compensation) and that religion should never be used for financial gain.* So why are the Satanists/Democrats trying to secularize this holy day? Perhaps we’ll never know, for evil is their way, but it has become evident that their efforts are beginning to succeed.
For example, many Wal-Mart greeters have begun welcoming their patrons with a “Happy Holidays in July.” I got news for you, Wal-Mart: Jesus did not die on the cross for low, low prices so that you can celebrate by calling it “Happy Holidays.” Blasphemy is never happy.
Even though we are already within the month of May, many stores have yet to announce their Julymas savings, most likely to due to pressure from the secular “progressives.” Fear not the unbelievers, retail stores! Announce your savings and announce them proudly! In fact, Christmas in July sales should no longer be limited to just one month. If this country wants to be counted among the saved, it should begin celebrating Christmas in July in December.
So remember, put your July Tree out early this year and keep on believing, or else Jesus won’t come down your chimney and bring you coupons in the middle of the night.

*I’d like to give a shout-out to Pat Robertson, who went out yesterday and bought himself a new jet – The Christ Cares Force One. Looks good on ya’, P-Ro!
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