Friday, October 19, 2007

I Love Street Fighter (Too Much)

I love Street Fighter.
The game has probably influenced me more than it should have. For instance, whenever I feel like picking a fight with someone, I typically approach them, wrists touching and arms thrust forward, yelling “Hadoken!” This reference is lost on most people and does not produce the desired intimidation effect.
I am many different types of nerd, but I will always be a fighting game nerd. To this day, the phrase “Viper uppercut” will cause me to lie supine on the ground in tears. This is not surprising, considering that I spent most of my childhood and the better part of my adolescence hating that one-eyed, Thai-boxing son of a bitch. Sagat is my albatross.
I know Ken’s last name (Masters), the name of his wife (Eliza), and the name of his son (Mel Masters).
Up until I was 18 years old, I just kind’ve assumed that all Indian people were stretchy, which is why I’m no longer allowed at the Taste of India restaurant in Springfield. That, and they discourage yelling “Show me Yoga Fire, asshole!” at the help.
Sometimes I forget that Middle Eastern is an ethnic category. This is because there was never an Arab Street Fighter character. They even had a French guy for god’s sake, the least athletically capable group in history, but not a single dude in a turban. Even Disney had Aladdin. This confuses me, and the global map in my head has a huge hole in it. I typically fill it with hundreds of tiny Japans.
Also, T. Hawk is not Mexican. He is a ridiculous stereotype of an ethnic group nowhere close to Mexico. Stop fucking with my head, Capcom.
On occasion, I will refer to Mike Tyson as “Balrog.”
Cars can be destroyed by doing the same kick over and over again. This is a scientific fact and I will go to my grave believing it.
“Skullomania” is in my daily vocabulary. Skullomania!
I am one of the few people to realize that a Street Fighter One exists. Sure, you probably considered the fact that two minus one equals one, but have you seen the game? Did you know where Eagle came from?
There is a constant inner struggle within my psyche as to what to refer to the characters sometimes. Do I use their English names or their Japanese names? I’m aware that three characters pulled the ole’ switcheroo for the English version of Street Fighter II (Balrog was originally called Mike Bison. Chicken = Buffalo. Get it?). This piece of trivia confuses the hell out of people once I start referring to characters as Vegarog.
I can perform the Shun Goku Satsu.
And yes, I have contemplated who would win in a fight between Bishamon and Sodom. (Bishamon, but only because he’s a ghost and therefore cannot technically be killed.)
I technically lost my virginity to a picture of Cammy in a video game magazine when I was 14 years old. When I finished, I yelled “Skullomania!” at the sight of the shameful, sticky mess I had created.
I have long decided that the theme song from Ken’s stage in Street Fighter II will be played at my wedding. I will most likely be marrying nobody.
Take a moment to consider your own genitals and the attention they receive from other people. It is for all the above reasons that I have listed that I do not gain that same attention. Cherish it.
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