Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I Really Am a Disgusting Human Being

I spend most of my day sitting at a computer. The reason for this being a combination of factors, mainly the fact that I work at a computer and that I have not perfected the ability to type with my mind from great distances. Yet.

Because I'm at a computer all day, I get into a lot of trouble. Let me explain mathematically:
Computer + Internet + Excess Testosterone + Procrastination + Morbid Curiosity = Fetish Websites.

My latest hobby these days is looking at the weirdest fetish website I can find and then asking myself, "Would I do that? If only just to try it?" I draw the line at things that are illegal, and won't even glance in those websites' direction, but the for the most part, this latest hobby of mine involves a lot of soul-searching. There comes a time in every man's life when he's obligated to ask himself, what kind of weird shit can I do with my wang?

New Year's Resolution #18 - Figure out what kind of weird shit I can do with my wang.

For instance, could I have sex with an armpit? I suppose I could; lube is cheap. Is a girl dressed as animal really that big of a turn-off? Yes. It is. But I'd go through with it for the sake of a funny story. Am I scared of whips and chains? You bet your kinky ass I am, but that won't stop me from donning a full-body leather suit. Is peeing on a girl gross? Yes. There's not even a joke here, just Yes. Midgets need loving too. So do the bald, the hairy, the amputated and those with larger than average clitorises...clirtorisi?...clitoreses? Anyway, the point is, somebody needs to take my internet away or give me more to do, because this can only end in pain -- nipple-clamping pain, my nipple-clamping pain.


New Year's Resolution #19 - Shoryuken a Volkswagon

That really doesn't have anything to do with sexual fetishes, but I was crossing the street earlier on today and thought it would be cool.
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