I have terrible news. America is under attack. And I don’t mean “under attack” the same way that religious nuts think that two guys kissing is destroying our country. No, I mean, we are literally being invaded.
If you haven’t heard lately, the CIA recently was obligated, nay forced, to destroy one of its interrogation tapes to protect the identity of its interrogators (which is the truth). Now, the CIA usually takes its most sensitive intelligence information and stores deep within the Pentagon’s vaults. One might think that with all the security in the Pentagon, that to actually get access to these tapes, you would pretty much be forced to conquer the Pentagon. And if the CIA has to destroy its tapes out of fear of someone taking them, it leads me to the only logical conclusion – The Pentagon is in danger!
New Year’s Resolution #16 - Protect the Pentagon!
First off, let’s beef up the security here a little bit. Gone are the days when access to the Pentagon was halted only by a screen door and an eighty-year-old security guard named Bill, who was fired from a Virginia Wal-Mart. No longer will tourists trick national security advisors into thinking that they are the ghost of Abe Lincoln with a stove-top hat and a magic marker beard. And I’ll be damned if I see yet another “Let me in or I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue” trick work.
Gentlemen and gentlemenladies of the Pentagon, I would like to offer you the latest in protection technology, starting with the Invisible Fence. Now, if I’ve learned anything from the Bush administration, it’s that all Muslims are literal monsters, with gigantic fangs and super-human hearing. The Invisible Fence will emit an ultrasonic sound that drives Muslims and other four-legged creatures nuts, forcing them away from the Pentagon, while good, Christian, heterosexual ears pass by unharmed.
But that can’t be the only recourse we have. Al-Qaeda is a beast craftier than even your average velociraptor and they hide earmuffs under their burqas, so we have to come up with more ideas. Next up, I have the newest anti-terrorist device since the invention of laser beams. I offer you laser beams with spikes attached. Now, you might be wondering how a concept such as laser beams with spikes attached actually works, since lasers are concentrated beams of light and really can’t support the weight of a spike of any size, really. Well, if you don’t understand it, then you must be a terrorist yourself then. So which is it? Are you a terrorist or aren’t you? Huh? Terrorist!?
And finally, as the last line of the defense, I’ve been saving the best for last and offer you my best invention. I call it a locked door. Here’s how it works: Let’s say you’re a terrorist and you’re looking to discover the identity of two CIA interrogators who have done nothing outside the limits placed on them by the Geneva Convention. You get to the room where this one tape is kept, right next to hundreds of other tapes and information that you’re clearly not interested in, and you’re shocked to learn, gasp, the door is locked. Oh, the key! We forgot the key! Whose job was it to remember the key!? Mohamed #1, wasn’t that your job? No sir, I think it was Mohamed #4's job to bring the key. Mohamed #4, what do you have to say for yourself? Death to America, sir? Death to America, indeed, Mohamed #4. Death to America, indeed.
And that’s the story of how I saved America, armed only with a few laser beams with spikes attached, and the worldly and compassionate knowledge that the Bush administration has passed along to me.