Friday, December 28, 2007

Paper-Mache Puppy is Hungry!

I don't hate Seattle; I hate Charles Mudede.

New Year's Resolution #30 - Hate Charles Mudede

I don't think you people understand. This is a big epiphany for me. For a long time, I was certain that I held in my heart nothing but contempt and animosity for the pretentious, hyper-educated snobbish masses that inhabit the Emerald City (a nickname I have yet to discover the origin of. Nothing in this place is green, just wet.)

Charles Mudede is one of many film reviewers for The Stranger, a free alt-weekly around these parts. He seems like a nice guy. If I were to meet him on the street, I would politely say hello Charles, how's the weather? Rainy, he would most likely reply, and we would both cry. However, reading his drivel in The Stranger makes me want to tear out my eyes and then tear out his eyes to replace my recently misplaced eyes.

It's hard for me to fully explain why I can't stand Mudede, other than to claim that he is really, just too damn serious. Here's a review of Bee Movie by him. Here's a review of High School Musical. Please note that he claims, in no satirical fashion either, that High School Musical is destroying the planet. And not like, "haha, this movie is so bad, it's melting polar ice caps and drowning baby penguins!" No. He means it is literally destroying the planet.

However, the reason I keep reading The Stranger, is due in no small part to articles by Lindy West, another film reviewer, who is actually interesting.

New Year's Resolution #31 - Harbor a semi-secret attraction for a film reviewer at an alt-weekly

Here's one by West. Notice how it's actually funny and enjoyable to read? I'm amazed that the same paper even publishes these two people alongside one another. She's just so damn funny. I honestly think I might have a crush on her.

New Year's Resolution #32 - Force someone into getting a restraining order

Dear Lindy,

You are soooo funny. How much do you make at The Stranger? Whatever it is, it isn't enough. May I suggest that you demand a raise from your bosses? Just walk into their fancy-schmancy Seattle headquaters and be all like, "I'm Lindy West. I am sooooo funny. Put more money in my bank account!" Foolproof.
I really can't emphasize enough how hilarious you are and how much I enjoy reading your articles. Are you single? Shit. I shouldn't have asked that. Now you think I'm a crazy stalker. Hang on, I can fix this. I would just like to let you know that your film reviews and articles are very articulate and well-written, they always bring a smile to my face and make me wonder what kind of underwear you had on when you wrote them. Dammit, that's no good either. I think it was the underwear thing. Ok, round three. Sex! HAVE SEX WITH ME! There we go. No chance of anyone thinking I'm a crazy stalker if I say that.
Well, sorry to cut this letter short, but I have to go feed Lindy Jr., the paper-mache dog that I made with glue and copies of your articles. You know how riled up paper-mache dogs can get when they're hungry!

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