Monday, February 4, 2008

Angel Island Act I

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the lines, people began using time machines to have sex with me in the past.

Well, no, ok, that's not entirely accurate. Rape would be a more suitable word. "People began using time machines to have rape with me in the past."

I say this because in recent years, the trend in the media industry is to take things from my generation's non-drinking/non-sexing years and then totally violate them in ways that only Satan and Japanese fetish websites could conceive. You're going to do what to Bumblebee now? Jesus Crispity-Crunchity Christ! Don't you Japanese have any shame? (Answer: No.)

In recent memory, it started with a little movie called X-Men. That is where it began, with a friendly, yet philosophical romp into the lives of gorgeous twentysomethings with mutant powers. This was a piece of my, and my generation's, collective childhood though, and before the movie came out, all I could do was gently mutter "Careful...careful..." But the end, I was pleasantly surprised, and for that, Mr. Singer, my firstborn child is yours (I think he's ten now).

That particular venture into nostalgia ended with the beautifully orchestrated diarrhea mountain that was X3: The Last Stand. Sitting here writing this at this exact moment, I can think of so many digressions and flat-out evil deeds that movie performed on my 7-year-old self that it would just be too painful to delve into. However, I will say two things. One, the movie was bad. Two, WHERE THE FUCK IS NIGHTCRAWLER? DID HE TELEPORT OFF THE FACE OF THE GODDAMN EARTH!? FUCK YOU BRETT RATNER YOU NO-TALENT, CHILDHOOD-DESTROYING, FRAT-BOY-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!

Same thing happened with Spider-Man, although, admittedly, I haven't seen the third movie yet. Why? Because I'm scared. When people started saying it was bad, I felt cautious apprehension, then as time went on, that turned in a confident refusal to view it. These days, it's nothing but a full-blown phobia and I now pay a bearded fellow to let me sit on a couch and discuss childhood memories, back when Spider-Man was cool.

Even things that are directly marketed to kids will still grab my attention and tug at my heartstrings a little bit. The reemergence of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, for instance, is something that the lonely and bitter 7-year-old inside of me cannot completely ignore, even if it hinders the possibility of the lonely and bitter 22-year-old on the outside from getting laid. I don't care if it's unattractive; I insist on wearing my Raphael mask out to the bars.

Which brings me to the true purpose of this post: Stop ruining Sonic, assholes.

Let's bring it back for a second. The year is 199X (that's what they did in video games back then so you had no idea what year it really was), Reagan is no longer in power, but his disgusting conservative disease has covered the nation, a disease that will not cease to be until the year 201X, and within the hearts and minds of youngsters, a fierce debate was being fought over the issue of Sega vs. Nintendo.

On the frontlines of this battle were two contenders: an ultra-fast blue hedgehog with an attitude and a fat Italian stereotype. They both had their advantages and disadvantages. Sonic could move so fast that he could break the sound barrier and burst through robots, making them explode. Mario could crawl through pipes, something that even real hedgehogs can do. To power-up, Sonic could collect Chaos Emeralds that allowed him to go all super-saiyan and whoop the ass of everything in his path. Mario ate mushrooms and got bigger, which you think would be counterproductive, since he was already pretty fat. In the mind of a grade-schooler, there was no contest.

Then, after Sonic had lapsed into the obscurity that all of our most beloved childhood memories go, Sega started ruining the whole goddamn thing. First and foremost were the inclusion of a ridiculous number of very generic stock characters, parading around like they're proud of their retardation. Tails was awesome because he provided a foil to Sonic's sassy attitude, and because playing with him was slightly different (TAIL HELICOPTER, MOTHERFUCKER). Then Knuckles came along, and it was cool, because nobody had any clue what an echidna was. He was also the badass of the group and you go, "Wait, wasn't Sonic the badass of this two-man group? Oh well, whatev." Then things began to spin wildly out of control. Apparently every goddamn animal in this make-believe world can run super fast, and now you've got birds bats, rabbits, more hedgehogs, metal hedgehogs, nondescript creatures of questionable origins, and they're all terrible. I can count at least five different characters that have that identical Sonic "tude" and you can't help but wonder what the fucking point of adding another character with the same powers as everyone else was.

And when did Dr. Robotnik become Eggman? That is not your name and you know it, Dr. R.

But it's not too late Sega, you can fix Sonic. That's right, you can bring him back from the dead with a few simple quick fixes I have devised for you.

1) Animal Genocide: Ok, here's how this works. Take all those shitty characters you just made and wipe them out. Oh, you need an explanation on how this happens? Here's your explanation, children are only two steps above a dolphins in intelligence levels and three steps behind chimps in logical thinking. They won't even notice that your stupid green bird is gone.

2) Sonic Wears Clothes Now: I mean, everyone is this world is naked and that has caused a lot of weird things to appear on the internet. Trust me on this one. Put some pants on that guy and stat.

3) Have Him Play a Sport: This has been working for Mario for years, where the best games that Nintendo has produced with its mascot character have been simple sports games. They made golf fun, for christ's sake. The least you can do is put Sonic in a rugby game or have him bowl or something.

4) Actually, you know what: Just stop making Sonic games. My childhood is ruined and never again will I enjoy breaking TVs with ten rings inside, or tail-helicoptering over an entire stage for the hell of it. Thanks a lot, Sega. I hope your profits fall even more than they usually do.
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