Monday, November 14, 2011


Alright, I know I'm somewhat prone to hyperbole. In fact, you might even say that I once hyperbole'd a man to death. But, really, Immortals is the worst movie I've ever seen. It's so bad that I'm surprised a time traveler from the future hasn't come back in time and killed its mother yet.

Let me loll you into a false sense of hope by talking about the good. First thing that comes to mind is seeing Freida Pinta pretty naked. It's next to impossible to ignore the fact that this is a good thing. If you would have whispered in my ear while I was watching Slumdog Millionaire that I would someday see this woman in the buff, I would have done a choreographed group dance. (Get it? Bollywood joke.) However, now that I'm thinking about the naked scene, even that kinda sucked. It was a passionless, awkward moment, like the producer took the final draft of the script and wrote in a red felt-tip pen: "There should be ass and (.)(.) here." If you still don't believe that this is the worst movie ever, take this as your cardinal piece of evidence: It makes beautiful naked women boring somehow.

The biggest obstacle for most people to enjoying this movie will lie in the script. If I'm a good mood, I'll suggest that this movie went through several different drafts, by several different writers, each of them with a specific goal or aim in mind with this movie that got intertwined with all the other goals until it made no sense whatsoever. In an action movie, the script is usually no more important than being the method of propulsion from one scene to the next, so that standard is already pretty low. Here though, the script is actively trying not to make sense.

For one, the two main characters find themselves not only on physically opposing forces (which is fine) but philosophical forces at well. That is, the bad guy thinks that a physical legacy is most important (namely, siring many children), while the good guy argues that one's good deeds is most important. For his victory, the good guy is rewarded with...a child. I'm not stretching this in any way, no sir. The voiceover even informs us that for all his fighting, he's granted a child, the exact thing that was a saying didn't matter not five minutes before. This is like if Drago got beaten, and then everyone in America decided communism is pretty cool.

And another thing, I have no idea what the bad guy was actually doing this entire movie, or what the hell he wanted. Alright, so he talks a lot about making a lot of babies to carry on his legacy or whatever, and he does that. He procures a bow that can shoot an unlimited amount of magic, exploding arrows, but I don't think he actually cares, since he shoots it all of three times in the entire movie. Hey dude, do you want to conquer all of Greece? See your enemies hiding in the mountain? Shoot your magic bow, not once, not twice, not even three times, but forever. Give your army the day off and just shoot things until you're bored. Then plant your seed in some wombs and go shoot some more.

Characters come and go in this movie and I have no idea why anybody would care. I suppose one of the main selling points for this movie is seeing the gods fight, and you do, but they're never actually introduced or display any godlike power other than being able to do 300-style speed changes and punching through somebody's face until it explodes. Not only are the gods excruciatingly dull, they are actively sitting out for most of the movie, because of a law that says gods can't interfere with human affairs. If you have read any Greek myths at all, you will immediately recognize that as being a made-up law, since fucking with people is just about all the gods do. Not only is this non-plot-moving anti-mucguffin boring, but it proves to be a poor strategy, since the gods pretty much lose in the end, when they could have won before the opening credits stopped rolling. See what I mean about this script actively trying to suck?

And the humans, oh sweet christ the humans. Somehow this stupid species manages to do less than the gods. The female lead was put there pretty much just to get naked. The male lead contributes, in descending order of importance: a stirring speech, chilling with John Hurt, not wearing a shirt. Other characters do less and die quicker.

The real moment when I went from just being bored to actively hating this movie was when the...senator? king? I don't even know who the fuck he is or what he does...started talking. The movie does just about everything in its power to make you hate this guy, even though he's the only logical dude in the whole country. See, he has this wacky idea to try and solve problems diplomatically, like a stupid asshole, when the hero, a real man's man, runs up and tells him that the bad guy can use magic, so we should fight him. Then, this stupid asshole doesn't believe the random guy that claims the enemies shoot magic bombs, when really he should be KICKING SOME ASS CUZ THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, YOU PUSSY.

So then he gets killed, twenty minutes of face-exploding happens, and basically nothing you care about happens. The hero gets a son, which is not that impressive considering that most high school freshmen have already done that, and I guess we're supposed to count that as a win? Here's a quick test: Do you like movies where people blow up other people with their hands? Well then borrow your mom's car and go see this movie.
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