Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Dear Salvador - The Campground Rule

Dear Salvador,

There's a certain type of guy -- let's call him an "asshole" -- who places way too much emphasis on sex, often to the determinant of other people.

Now, we're living in the fucking 21st century, so I'm not here to tell you that sex is bad, immoral or dirty or any of that nonsense. However, just like with everything else, you have to be responsible about it, both for the sake of having a better quality sex life and for the sake of not being a total asshole. With this in mind, I'd like to introduce you to something that I hope you keep in mind when socializing with women, and that is the Campground Rule.

But first, I want to talk about that asshole for a second. That asshole will do anything for the sake of getting laid. He is not afraid to lie, and he is certainly not afraid to cheat, just to put his genitals inside someone else's genitals. Not only is his self-worth intricately connected with the number of women that he's slept with, but the fact that he places such a high emphasis on sex means that he has no other talents or skills. To him, women are a high score that directly relates to how valuable he views himself as a person.

In some other letters I'll send to you later, I want to talk about that asshole some more, and why he is a terrible boy scout.

When I say "boy scout", I mean a literal boy scout, like camping in the woods and making bows and arrows out of leafs and shit. More importantly, the boy scouts all have a code of conduct that they are expected to follow on the expectation that it will help mold them into decent human beings. Again, there's nothing wrong with having sex however and with whomever you want, but you just have to be responsible about that. With this mind, we're going to use the boy scout code of conduct as a guide to being a responsible, sex-having mature adult heterosexual male, starting with the Campground Rule.

The Campground Rule is something that I think you've probably heard at some point in your life. It's a pretty easy rule and reads as follows: Leave the campground cleaner than you found it. If you're going camping, and forget to clean up before you leave, you are not only breaking the campground rule, but you're a complete dick to every person after you that wants to camp there. The key component to this rule is that the campground does not belong to you, and that you have an affect on this public good.

But how does this apply to women? Well, think of it this way: In all social interactions, make sure you leave a person better off than when you found them. Every time you break this rule, and somebody is worse off for knowing you, you become an asshole. I could, for example, walk outside right now and steal someone's wallet, and that person would be worse off for encountering me and I would be an asshole (also a felon.) 

This is a good rule in general, and I'd like to think that's so obvious it doesn't even need to be said. However, the assholes of the world who are vying for your attention just as I am, will try to convince you to break this rule for the sake of getting laid.

For some reason, these people think that sex is the end-all, be-all of their existence. If they can take advantage of someone when they're drunk, then they consider that a success. These are the people that intentionally try to get girlfriends to cheat on their boyfriends. At the extreme end of the spectrum, they are the date rapists. These are also the guys that lie about things they've done to generate false admiration among women. All of this is shitty behavior, and yet at some point in your life, someone is going to come along and tell you that this is completely normal behavior for someone interacting with women or trying to have sex. It's not.

First of all, sex is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's not your entire fucking reason for being. It is not a thing that you sacrifice your integrity for. It should be viewed as a thing done while living life, not the thing worth living life for. People who hold this high opinion of having sex with lots of partners are...sad, really. To imagine sex as something that defines who you are as a person is about as pathetic as defining how important you are based on number of Ray-Ban sunglasses you have, or the number of cars you own. Sex is just sex, man. People do it all the time and it's not that big of a deal.

Secondly, don't forget that putting sex above your integrity turns you into the type of person that ruins a campground. If your camping experience is so important to you that you leave the campground in a worse position than when you found it, then you're an asshole. Let's say I have a friend who has a boyfriend, and through a series of circumstances, it becomes possible for me to have sex with her. Would her life would be better off if she slept with me? Would I be leaving this social interaction "cleaner" than when I found it, or am I making a mess? The asshole would not only take this opportunity, but he would create it. If you haven't met this type of guy yet, bless you, but trust me, they exist. The asshole is the type of person who doesn't care if anybody is in a relationship, or if having sex with him will put them in a worse position. The asshole will cajole someone into doing something they may regret later, and may help manufacture that situation by encouraging someone to drink. They do not care about the state that the campground is in after they leave.

I know guys like this who see people as stepping stones to enrich their own coolness. They see women as points in a video game, and the person with the highest score wins. Last time I hung out with one of these guys, he was bragging about how much sex he was having, while at the same time complaining that none of his friends wanted to see him and that everyone was ignoring him. Poor guy couldn't put two and two together that maybe treating people like his own personal campground made him an insufferable asshole that nobody wanted to be around. In short, man, don't worry about sex so much. You'll be much better off if you focus on more important things than gentital-to-genital contact.

Your Useless Mentor,

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