Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Dear Salvador - A Sex Secret

Dear Salvador,

I'm going to share with you a secret about sex that took me thirty years to learn. You're still young, and you'll probably forget it after drinking a can of Mountain Dew and playing your X-Boxes all night long, or you'll remember it, but have no idea how to actually apply it, but I'm going to tell you the secret anyway. It comes with a great deal many asterisks and provisos, but the gist of it is as follows:

The biggest determining factor whether anybody will sleep with anybody is whether or not they feel comfortable in doing so, and whether or not they trust that person.

Again, this is a large generalization, so it needs to be said that this does not apply to everyone. In fact, I think a better secret to sex might even be that everybody has sex for different reasons, and often several of those reasons are working together. I also don't want you to think that trust and comfort are the only factors in play here. Attraction definitely matters, as well as the infinite number of factors that happen in any social situation that have to be looked at individually. But, by and large, in my experience, trust and comfort are the two biggest factors.

Since you and I will never truly be able to understand all women everywhere and at all times, let's try some mind experiments that consider what you or I would do in a given situation. Imagine you have before you the absolute sexiest woman alive, whatever that means to you, whatever it is that you would find yourself most sexually attracted to. Now, this woman (or whatever) is willing to have sex you, but it will not be pleasant. She will not be kind. She will make fun of the size of your penis, talk about how disgusting your body is, and yawn during the act of coitus. She will also videotape the whole thing and upload it onto the internet after you're done (which she will inform was far too short a time). Would you still go through with it, with this woman (or whatever) that is 100% sexy to you? No, of course not. Even if the sex itself is fine, the accouterments will be just awful, and worst of all, the video of this attractive woman (or whatever) laughing at the size of your tiny baby dick, poking your fat rolls, and expressing her boredom at your mediocre lovemaking abilities would be a fucking nightmare.

Let's try switching the scenario up a bit. Now, this mind experiment comes with a caveat. I don't believe that you can have good sex with someone that you have 0% attraction to. At least some bit of attraction is necessarily to facilitate human sexual relations. Maybe you think this caveat is wacky-bo-backy, but I think it's pretty reasonable.

Alright, so let's say you have before you a woman who is at minimal levels of attractiveness necessary for sexual relations, someone who is just absolutely at the far end of the "doable" spectrum. Again, this person is willing to have sex with you, and she's going to be amazing. She will compliment your enormous wiener and finally acknowledge its true beauty. She will note how pretty you look when naked, which is very. Very fucking pretty. She will act like your lovemaking is outstanding, which it is, and when it's over, nobody will have to know it ever happened. Would you enjoy this experience? Would you go through with it? Would you rather have the sexy woman who will treat you like garbage or the ugly one who will treat you like a god? Again, I don't know what you're thinking (ever), but I would choose the nicer person every fucking time.

Remembering that women are people just like you and me, imagine what she must be thinking. Are you going to treat her well? Will you be kind? Is there going to be a .mp4 file of her showing up on the internet shot in night vision? Are you going to tell everyone that you slept together and, intentionally or not, ruin her reputation? Moreover, because men are typically bigger than women, she has to worry about whether or not you will hurt her or take advantage of her. This is serious shit, man, and most importantly, she doesn't have a good way of knowing any of this until after the fact.

And yet, people all over the world are taking their chances and having sex all the time. (Everyone. Everyone except you. Loser.) Sometimes this turns out to be a shitty idea. Someone tries to convey an image about themselves to another person, and that image sometimes gets intentionally or unintentionally distorted. A girl sleeps with a guy, and he treats her badly the next day. Or, a girl sleeps with a guy and the next day a video shows up on the internet. Sadly, this type of thing happens a lot.

The problem comes in when you consider the fact that to have someone get close enough to you to sleep with you, you have to convince them that you are trustworthy. Consider that for a second. It's the reason why some people wait until their third date before having sex, or wait until marriage -- it takes time, sometimes a lot of it, to build up that trust. This is also why breakups hurt, but not in the sameway that outright rejections do. If I walk up to a girl in a bar, and drop a "안녕하세요, 아가씨~ 제 집 안에서 같이 있으면 어때요?" and she responds with a "역겹네" that feels bad. I deserved it, but it still feels bad. In a relationship though, you are placing your trust in another person to see all of your awful, awful flaws. If breakups were about having one person just not be attracted to you, they wouldn't hurt so much. I mean, people are unattractive to other people all the damn time, you especially. It doesn't bother me that every woman on the street doesn't want to sleep with, but it does bother me that the one person I trust doesn't.

If there are any reoccurring themes in these notes of advice I've been writing you, I think one would be: Women are people too and that if you want somebody to think that you are a certain way, you have to actually be that certain way. If you want people to think that you are smart, you should read a lot. If you want people to think that you're kind, you should try smiling and doing nice things. If you want people to think that you can bake chocolate chip cookies with your dick, you should buy an oven and some purell. And if you want women to sleep with you, you want them to think you're trustworthy, and to do that, you need to actually be trustworthy. Shit's not that hard, man.

Your Useless Mentor,

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